Cleat Geeks

2015 NFL Free Agency: Sadness & Madness

A comical perspective of free agency


Another free agency period is pretty much in the books, as the NFL wraps up its new year for 2015. This year it did not seem like the football “New Year”. With all the inside information leaked out days prior to free agency it was more like a spoiled Christmas, it was like knowing what your gifts were, before you got to open them.

However the league and teams did not disappoint…entirely. This years` period was loaded with more blockbuster trades than the weeks following your fantasy football draft. The trades made between teams this year could only be fathomed or believed in fantasy football not reality. Yet it happened, some were robbed and some will throb.

It really began to kick off just a week prior before the gates opened as Chip Kelly began his 2 week long and counting quest to drive Philly fans out of Philly. On March 4th crazy Kelly began his demented Santa Clause act in the town of brotherly love by trading RB LeSean McCoy to the Buffalo Bills, for LB Kiko Alonso. It was an even swap of blockbuster players that both had bad previous season. Alonso was injured and McCoy was just flat out awful. Rex Ryan has continued to be the crazy head coach of the AFC with all his moves to include Percy Harvin, but he really has no “System” excuse like Kelly possibly does. So that’s how the chunker twins kicked off an early start.

Building up to the days of FA a ton of confirmed reports of where players were likely to land started trickling out and frankly it pissed me off. We need surprises!! Well guess what? The minute FA opened surprises are what we got.

Right away Rams GM Les Snead committed his second felony of grand theft larceny by finding another play toy to do business with in dealing QB`s and draft picks. Remember Chip Kelly? Well he really found a way to put a cuckoo in the Eagles nest with the fan base. He trades 1st tier NFL QB Nick Foles and a 2016 2nd round pick to the St. Louis Rams for QB Sam Bradford and a 5th or 4th, wait is it a 3rd…it`s one of those. Watching fans and experts try to figure out the draft picks and terms via twitter was like watching a monkey craft a math problem. Anyways, Les Snead strikes again, but does Chip Kelly have something up his sleeve or cheese sauce on his chin?

At almost the same moment when fans are trying to catch their breath from either shock or affixation, the Saints` fans go from laughing at the Eagles to crying like babies. Saints TE Jimmy Graham is traded to the Seattle Seahawks for C Max Unger. The logic behind this trade for the Seahawks is that they do not need anyone to protect QB Russell Wilson. He does not know how to stop moving and they need Jimmy Graham, so that way there is someone they can count on to catch the ball at the one-yard line for a Super Bowl win. The Saints did get RB C.J. Spiller who only knows how to “Spill” the football on the ground and into the hands of the other team. Cornerback Brandon Browner found a defensive coach that looks very far from teaching any kind of self-discipline.

The Ravens went backwards in FA by handing out players to the open market and only keeping RB Justin Forsett to a multi-year deal. This allowed Forsett to call off the mover trucks for the first time in his career.

Detroit has remained faithful to its cities promise by clearing out good work from the employees and re-leasing two productive DT`s in Suh and Nick Fairly. Do not worry though they did replace two defensive tackles with one defensive tackle in Haloti Ngata. Again, this is another Detroit promise of utilizing its cities education system.

The Dolphins landed DT Ndamakung Suh and dished out a contract that will hog their cap space for the next three FA periods, but they got the league`s best DT. Sadly though if you are fan, you look at the rest of the team and realize that you’re not just one free agent from the super bowl. The `Phins did get TE Jordan Cameron, this must of given them the bright idea to release two starting wide outs.

The Browns lost a few players, but in actuality it was no loss to the player`s themselves. The team brought in WR Brian Hartline to be just as mediocre in Cleveland orange as he was in Miami orange. The Browns also inked their new logo to a free agent contract, which will probably do better than Hartline himself.

Mike Wallace was traded to the Vikings to give the Teddy Bear a reason to look better with bad mechanics and pair up with WR Greg Jennings…oh wait never mind. The Vikes got a receiver just to cut a receiver, nice strategy.

The Packers traditionally did what they do every FA period, which is absolutely nothing. They did however manage to assist in non-excitement by inking Randall Cobb.

Thankfully another boring team in FA was the Patriots, it seems that coach Belicheck allowed his LB and CB corps to disappear. No worries for New England because the only pass defense they were actually good for was at the one-yard line.

J-E-T-S did some overhaul and overspending. They became the most recent team to display a trailer park relationship, by divorcing Darrell Revis watch him fling with an ugly and sexy then re-marrying him and giving him the keys to the house. Oh yeah they also got suckered into letting him bring his best friend too, CB Antonio Cromartie. They should have some fun sleep overs. In fact , from a marketing standpoint it is a genius move because now all the Jets fans will need to re-purchase new Revis jersey’s after burning their older ones, when he went to the Pat`s…that is so LeBron. The Jets also got Brandon Marshall in a trade before FA but have no one to throw him the ball. Wait Ryan Fitzpatrick, not Geno?.

Speaking of the Brandon Marshall trade, Bears QB Jay Cutler lost his bicycle and was given back his training wheels in WR Eddie Royal. Royal had his best season as a rookie with Cutler when they were both in Denver.

Broncos did get D crazy this year like last year, but they did show a whiff of virtual insanity by replacing TE Julius Thomas with TE Owen Daniels. Clearly John Elway had Owen Daniels in fantasy last year and is being sneaky with him via his keeper league. Daniels could be just as good when you have the league’s last dinosaur a season away from social security and two sacks from a walker.

Jeremy Maclin satisfied Chiefs fans by returning to his Alma Mater Mizzou market and re-united with Mr. Kool-Aid himself, HC Andy Reid. Maclin knows Reid very well and should not be surprised when he soon discovers that coach Reid is still storing left over cheesesteak sandwiches’ in that parachute parka. Still do not understand why the Chiefs sign Maclin, just re-lease Dwayne Bowe who they could have kept for a new pair of cleats and an Outback gift card.

Down in Houston the Texans are living up to the phrase (Lonestar) as this is the maximum amount of stars` they have on defense and offense right now. They signed QB Brian Hoyer (sigh)…never mind…forget this one. Hey for the first time in a long time, Jerry Jones is pulling the cheapskate card by letting go of the NFL`s best RB Demarco Murray and replacing him with Darren McFadden.  The Cowboys also gave DE Greg Hardy a 1 year “do not beat women” deal. Now that is a man who is confident in his offensive line and the food he`s feeding them. The Boys did keep the line intact and re-signed OT Doug Free, who was far from what his last name suggested.

The Panthers brought on OT Michael Oher, who sadly has a better football story than a football career. His gameplay has dwindled forcing The Blind Side into a possible fictitious story. In addition they also brought back WR Ted Ginn Jr, in which nobody even realized he was gone in the first place.

The Titans lost QB Jake Locker to retirement at an early age. This is most likely due to a first impression of an NFL organization, sadly set by the Titans themselves. Not to worry they inked CB Parish Cox who has helped lead the charge of sinking the 49ers into the bay.

The Bengals turned the jungle into the “Hawks Nest” by signing former moldy cheese head A.J. Hawk. But the real genius that Bengals displayed was the re-assurance of fans having the option of digging out their dusty Michael Johnson jerseys. Last year they cut him so they did not overpay. He was let go only to get his face stomped in while on the Buccaneers then bring him back for a fraction of the cost. It is economically wiser to pay a player less money that cannot play than vice versa…like the Bucs.

The Buccaneers have been pretty quiet this year unlike the previous years. Probably because every free agent for the last three years has ripped off the Glazer family , minus Vincent Jackson.The front office is probably more focused on the draft and debating whether they should start interviewing girlfriends with no speaking or writing abilities for QB Jameis Winston…or obtain for him exclusive deals to the local Joe`s Crab Shack.

The Falcons grabbed a variety of defensive players in fragile DE Adrian Claiborne, LB Brooks Reed and Justin Durant. Arthur Blanks new stadium set to open in 2017 and posed to make ‘Jerry`s World’ look like a doghouse is a glamorous reason to be a Falcon. That and any team can win the NFC South on a losing bet.

Frank Gore and Andre Johnson found charity in Indianapolis. The Colts this year are identifying themselves as a team in comfort to any player currently experiencing a midlife crisis. An addition of pass rusher Trent Cole helps this team of Forever Young most likely reach the Super Bowl.

Out west the Arizona Cardinals nabbed the FA best OL signing in Mike Lupati to protect QB Carson Palmer and his 22nd knee replacement. The team re-loaded on defense in DE Cory Redding and LB Sean Weatherspoon. Defense is very important to this team, because let’s face it…anything offensively has been pure luck.

There is nothing to really say about Oakland; even if they signed every free agent there would still be nothing to say about them. The neighboring city of San Francisco and their new Levi Stadium must have spelled a curse upon this team. With the retiring Chris Borland, Patrick Willis, contemplation by Justin Smith. The release of Michael Crabtree and Frank Gore. This team might as well be known as the Shady Acres NFL retirement community.

And now we are back to the two teams that started it all, the Rams and Eagles at the end of the week the Rams re-sign WR Kenny Britt to a multi-year deal. When Kenny Britt obtains a big contract; this is proof that a lot happens in an NFL year. Then Chip Kelly inks RB Demarco Murray to re-joyce Philly fans…until they remember they have Sam Bradford. Fimally, he works out Tim Tebow and immediately goes from the Mad Scientist to Dr. Evil.


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